I’m sitting in my driveway eating buffalo-flavored pretzel thins and coffee-nut M&M’s that just taste like the regular peanut ones. It could be because I’m oversaturating my tastebuds with buffalo seasoning, and then following it with the M&M’s. It could be a bad batch. Maybe out of all of the coffee-nut M&M’s in the world, I got the one batch the coffee grounds were the weakest in, or the robotic-arm of the conveyer belt got locked and didn’t toss in the beans. There is also a chance that Mar’s did a lack luster job of creating a coffee flavored chocolate candy that I had hoped to enjoy. I say this all while pounding fists full of them with one hand, and typing with the other.
I have been struggling with loneliness lately. It is not profound loneliness, for I am surrounded by people almost every day during my working hours, I have quite a few drinking buddies, a few friends from afar that I can still call and vent my woes to, and a boyfriend who doesn’t seem to mind my very regular presence. This loneliness, I believe, is a feeling I, and most people, battle all of their lives. No matter the amount of friends we find, the activities we participate in, and the amazing feats we accomplish, there is always a sense of uncomfortability in being alone with ourselves for too long.
Tonight I planned on going out in downtown Nashville for a friend’s graduation. It’s the first Saturday I’ve had off in what feels like a decade, so naturally I put a lot of extra eyeshadow on and wore my favorite heels, and here I am…sitting in my car eating junk food and blogging. How did I get to this point? A few miscommunications, an empty gas tank, general hunger, but mostly, I believe my own unconfortability with being by myself got me here.
I leave for Spain in late August. I’ll be living there for almost a year, teaching English as an assistant teacher in one of their public schools. I’m not nervous to travel, I’m hardly even nervous to teach, and although the language barrier is a challenge, it’s mostly exciting thinking about how much my fluency could grow in my time spent there. What I’m scared about is being alone, about being uncomfortable in my loneliness.
I’ve always needed time to myself. I’ve always needed my space. I’ve always known how to go-it alone. But to be comfortable in it, to enjoy it, to relish in my solitude — that, I have not mastered.
I also hope to start writing more again. Both, a test.
“These great leaps I take into the unknown are not just doable, but necessary.” — Aaron Huey