Life doesn’t gut me quite like it used to.
Remember your first heart-ache? I can embarrassingly recall mine. It was me, face down on the floor in my bedroom, screaming at no-one, writing ridiculous love notes I’d never send, praying to God that one day I would be with this person again.
At 22 years old, I usually look back on this moment and laugh at myself. But not today.
I saw something today that made me feel it again. That overwhelming, flooding sensation of heart-ache. And it’s not important what it was, or who it involves. The important part of this, is that feeling. That feeling in your gut, in your heart, that you’ve forgotten was real; was even possible. Because its so distinguishably painful in it’s own way and there is no other pain quite like it, that you know it must be this. It must be heart-ache.
I’m not on the floor of my bedroom, screaming at no-one. This is in no way a love poem (haven’t done that in quite a long time). And what I haven’t done in even a longer span of time, is pray to God. I mean really sit down, and meditate, and talk to that comforting place in your being that you feel like listens to you.
But this pain, it is exactly the same. And it is absolutely terrifying when you feel it. Because you recall the very first time you ever felt it, and thinking to yourself that it could never possibly end.
But that’s the thing about growing up. The thing about life. That these aches do go away, in their own way. That first heart break I haven’t thought of in years, not until today. And others, though still closer in my mind, are pretty dull in their strength against me. Although today’s pain hurts, and it’s nudging me in the back of my mind, I can push it away…That’s the difference. Because I can recognize it, and call it by name, it doesn’t have that same lasting affect on me. The same direness in it’s impact.
But you know what is even stranger about all of this?
After the heart-ache hit me like a tidal wave, crashing and rolling through me like a raging storm at sea, and then slowly dulled out like the fire of a candle releasing it’s last few breaths …I realized I was happy that it was there.