“rain, can i go with you when you go?”
so, i’ve been listening to this song from the movie soundtrack In Time.
(wordpress won’t let me put the actual song on here. lame.)
as i sit at old city java, and drink my tea, and feel slightly ashamed of being too hip in my $2 boots i bought at a yard-sale this weekend, i have this song looping through my collapsible, chunky hot-pink headphones and my cheap glasses on that make me look cross-eyed…and i feel better. inside, i’m still the chubby twelve year old with the unibrow. i can relax, and let the rain and the music put me at ease.
so bloggers, we’ve made it half-way through the summer, and i’m not sure exactly where it went. its mid-july and i’ve already crowd surfed with paul mccartney and eaten a stick of butter in goodwill with my best friend to impersonate paula deen (poor thing, love ya paulz.)
summer always brings change. usually, its good. like watching yourself grow and realizing just how far you have come. other times, it remind you just how far you still have left to go…
i have this sort of, mental check-list. in it, i have decided all the things i need to get done, or become, or do, before i feel accomplished in my life..or ready to “settle down.” some of the items on my check list are ridiculous, like #3) make-out with a girl. i mean, lesbehonest, that’d be pretty hot, right? other things make more sense though, like #2) volunteer overseas. or #4) move out west or #1) figure out my spirituality. some part of my brain is like: “you gotta do all this stuff before you figure out who you are and what you really want, girl.” part of me just wants to tell my brain to shut-up. that i don’t need to do all of these things before i know who i am, that i already do know. that life is short, and i just need to be fulfilled with where i’m at this very moment.
as i watch the rain come down outside, and listen to this beautiful song, and feel good in my own skin — i do love where i’m at right now. every moment i feel as if i’m more honest with myself and comfortable with who i am.
but the summer is bringing change, and with it are opportunities, and most importantly — choices i have to make.
i’m not sure if our choices necessarily define us as human beings, but they do give the outside world a picture of who we present ourselves to be. or even more, the things that we value in life. for instance, most of my best friends and i are polar opposites. they are conservative and i am just..everywhere. our style is different, our dreams are different, but our friendships reflect the kind of people we want to be around. they reflect upon us. although our family does not define us, their characteristics and traits rub off on us. we can choose to act upon those traits or not, but they still add a piece to the puzzle that is ourselves. and then there are the people we choose to love, or “fall in love with” if you will.
the people we choose to love say a lot about who we are as a person. if we choose someone for looks, we are shallow. if we choose someone because they like or believe the same things as us, we are scared of the unknown, of something different. the world is huge, and we will be forever meeting new people that will change our perspectives, our lives, and most importantly, our hearts. to me, college is a cesspool of hormones and hotness and part of me just wants to avoid the instability of it all. to me, this is temporary, and it will pass. but you meet people every day with the potential. you want to make sure before you dive head-first, that you won’t want to try and change them. that you like them for exactly who they are. i’ve made this mistake over and over in the past. and everytime its because i try and mold people into who i want them to be instead of just loving them for who they are.
choices are terrifying. like people, they have the ability to change everything around you, including yourself. i just want to make the right ones — but what does that even mean?
“we collide and change and fall again on some silly day, and help somebody wash some pain away.”