how do you stay hopeful, when you already know too much?
summer is always good to me. in a way, i lose myself every year during the winter, and i get myself back in the summer. i get fresh air, and new dreams, and hope that comes with the sun. (insert beatles song here.)
although the summer has been good for me, it hasn’t been too good for my writing. and that’s ok, i probably needed a little break. and although i tell myself that i’m going to stop doing this blog thing all the time, i won’t. it’s just that lately i can’t seem to complete a thought, you know? i can’t put words on a page and make them flow and make sense. i can’t come to a conclusion, a final thought, an answer.
and i guess i feel this way about life too. because so many things inspire me, and people, and ideas, and yet i don’t have the answers to them. i can’t figure them out. i guess that’s why i love the summer though. there’s something about the sunshine that makes it easier to not have all the answers, to breathe it all in and just live.
but when i don’t have the answers, i start to wonder what it is that gives us courage.
sometimes i get stuck in the “game” of life. it torments me and makes me lose sight of the beauty all around me. that’s why i don’t think i’ve ever been good at love, you know? to me its always just seemed like a game. a game of attraction, and loaded words, and empty promises, and something that you just can’t win. i don’t even have the energy anymore to try and impress someone like that. i really don’t care. the whole thing just kind of makes me mentally vomit. there is no answer, and above all, in my life, i’m trying to understand why.
so the games, and the lessons of life, and the “meaning” of it, causes me to lose hope. it makes me fearful, afraid of living at all. and it scares me that i’m scared. and then i’m just angry that i’m scared and woooo, vicious cycle!
a lot of times, i just think i know too much. (typing that, i feel stupid because i’m 21 and probably don’t know the half of it)..but you know what? i do. i know how i work, how i operate. i’ve seen and studied every kind of relationship i can think of. the good, the bad, and the ugly. the ones that last and the ones that don’t. i used to to think that you were only supposed to fall in love once in your life. i still find myself getting mad when i hear people throwing that word around so easily. i still don’t really get how they can do it.
sometimes i worry that my heart isn’t open enough. that i should just go around, falling in love with everyone, because life is short and you only have right now.
but that’s not me.
and i’m ok with that.
so to end this, to try and wrap it up and make it make sense, i think of the summer again. i think of the hope it brings me. how the warmth of the sun on my skin makes me believe in life. and i think of other things that give me courage to. like my best friend in the world, who may be the only person on earth who really gets me, but i heard once that as long as you tell one person your story, it can free you. i think of music, and of my family, and how life keeps slowly opening doors for me, and how grateful i am for that.
some people throw the word love around. the one i used to be famous for always saying, was never. i remember making a vow to god in the 5th grade, after winning “least likely to drink or do drugs” in D.A.R.E, that i would never drink alcohol. woops.
i’ll never transfer schools. i’ll never change my major. i’ll never stop believing in god. lately, it’s been “i’ll never fall in love again.”
if i’ve learned anything since i started college, and joined this chaos that is adulthood, its that you really should never say never. because just like travis lillienthal told me freshman year of high school that i would drink like a tank by the time i was a senior, and i laughed and swore that i wouldn’t, i found myself passed out drunk at my senior prom on probably one of the only nights in my life i’ll ever truly regret.
but i learned then. and i guess i’ll just keep on learning.