“your twenties are always an apprenticeship, but you don’t always know what for.”
— Jan Houtema
I have no idea who Jan Houtema is but she’s obviously a mind reader. People have different ideas of what their twenties are supposed to be like. Most see it as one gigantic party. Like a law that says: “better do whatever the fuck you want for these next 10 years, because you won’t be able to do it when you’re 30.” Others (probably most of the people I graduated with) see it as a time to find “the one”, get married, have kids, move into suburbia with a white picket fence and become the perfect American family. Then there are those like me I guess. The ones that see it as this pressure to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I feel like in my twenties, I’m going to be learning the hardest lessons. For instance I’m almost 90%sure I will probably be poor and living off of Ramen because I want to live in a big city on my Liberal Arts degree. I’m sure my dating life is probably going to resemble something like Natalie Portman’s in No Strings Attached.
“I’m not good at this stuff. Talking, Communicating. Relationship Stuff. If we were in a relationship, I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing. It’s like a peanut allergy. Like an emotional peanut allergy.”
Either that or much worse. Anyway, sometimes thinking about my twenties freaks me out: like I’m not going to have enough fun, or take it easy enough. And on top of all of that, here’s my main problem:
Have you ever wanted to be everything?
I’m talking everything, all at once. Maybe I’m a 5 year old stuck in a 20 year old body, but I can’t make up my mind! I want to be a writer, and a documentary maker, and I want to save the world, and secretly waayyy deep down inside my embarrassing “sing the star spangled banner into my video camera” 12-year-old-self, I wish I could just play music at old dive bars for the rest of my life. Hey my great grandma did it…WHY CAN’T I? (because I probably suck, I watch too many musicals.)
Note: I should probably stick to caroling with my family who have to think I’m good.
I want everything. I want the drama, and the light; to be super funny, and super serious. I want to travel, and stay put and it’s like a never ending cycle of ridiculous and this is why I feel myself changing literally every day. That guys, is my infinite problem.
So, is this 20? Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?